INDIFFERENCE

I'm at a very strange place in my life right now; I'm thrice bitten, twice shy. I feel like I'm growing hard and disinterested in anything male (with the glaring exception of Bill) and I'm so "over" love. The fact is that the culture I'm steeped in is so oversaturated with absurdly childish images of romantic love and idealism while contrasted so harshly with the "bait and switch" reality that I just want no part of any of it. The problem with my cynicism and this newfound utter indifference towards men is that it has nothing to do with me or the things I want in the grand scheme of my life. I want a life partner. I want a child. I want a family. However, I find myself in the position of making decisions that preclude such options.

My latest massage therapist has also professed his love for me. Unlike the last massage therapist, he is a good, decent man. He is incredibly respectful, if not to a fault and he has even won the great affection of my Brazilian Angel. And, were I in an average headspace for me, I would leap at the chance to be with him. However, I feel absolutely nothing. I feel no dread. I feel no nervousness. I feel no happiness. I feel no excitement. I feel no nothing. It's very strange that my only thought is "Oy vey, not again."

The last time I was on his table, he texted someone for help and had them text back the phrase "I like you" which is the phrase the Chinese use before they are married. (Between a couple, the only time "I love you" is used is when they are married or to be married. "Love" is such a profound word it only exists between state solidified families and no one else.) What he likes about me, he claimed to my Brazilian Angel, is the simplicity of our relationship.

"We speak plainly." He told her among, apparently, a great number of other things as he spent the entire hour of their massage session speaking of me.

And, the truth is we do. The simplicity of being stripped bare and having to converse very frankly, I'll admit, is incredibly seductive if you have the courage to be seen for your basic needs. The mask of a fluent language can be incredibly cumbersome and deceptive; it provides our cowardice far too many safe havens. While it makes for a wonderful beginning, it can make for a harder long term as the explanations of motivations must be forfiet for lack of ability.

But none of that is neither here nor there.

The fact is that something in me has gone dormant. I have no desire (save Bill) for men. I feel like I'm in a world where every childhood fantasy of romance could come true, I need only ask for it, and I'll have it. But I know I'm also in a world where once that fantasy has been stripped away, there is nothing left but the jaws of the bear trap sunk into the flesh of my calf. I am little more than an opportunity to access a dream no one has any idea how to realize and as a girl who grew up on a mother referencing the Ice Man Cometh as a warning about supporting dreamers, I know exactly how lovely it can be to help people dream who lack the fortitude and knowhow to follow through.

So, at lunch yesterday with my Brazilian Angel and another lovely Brazilian woman I desperately want to be my mentor, when the topic of how much my massage therapist is in love with me came up, I found myself at a lack of words. I have no faith left in the reality of PRC love because all I've seen is as real and valuable to me as the rhinestones on the jeans here. Rationally, I know that my massage therapist is a good man and respectful and had he found me a few months back, I would have been completely over the moon for him but not now.

Now when my Brazilian Angel and my Mentor ask me what it is I want from love, "Conversation with a good friend, not romance" I am "Tsk tsk"ed for my silly notions of wanting to skip romance.

But the truth is, I'm tired of romance right now. I don't want someone blinded by the romance of it all. I want someone engaged by my minutia.

Frankly, I'm worn out by the old-fashioned "Man" and "Woman" roles and how everyone here plays them and fools themselves into thinking it's adult. I haven't met one married man who isn't cheating on his wife and I haven't met one mother who feels her husband holds any importance anymore outside of keeping her in the lifestyle she has grown accustomed to. If I hear one more woman say, "I have my child now, what do I need my husband for" I'm going to scream. I fear that more than I fear being alone and childless for the rest of my life.

So, my poor massage friend is simply against impossible odds. I have no desire to become part of a partnership that will wither and die a resentful death upon the birth of our first manchild. I have no desire to be part of some farce where I play the sucker until I birth forth his manchild and the man behind the curtain is revealed to be totally over putting up with my bullshit so he could get his son and his passport. And the truth of the matter is I don't think that's what my friend is offering me but I don't believe it. I have no faith anymore. The only way to disprove me is to make it to that time after the firstborn son which, by default, he simply won't get to.

But there I found myself with my Brazilian Angel and my Mentor at lunch, their growing skepticism about my desire for a partner. They simply have no understanding what a difference it makes to be permanently branded as owned by a Western Male entity and so their view of Xi'An and her people is quite a bit different than mine.

"But she's so young" My Brazilian Angel declared to my Mentor.

"How old?" my Mentor asked.

"28" My Brazilian Angel answered for me.

"Oh, you're still a baby!" My Mentor replied.

"I know, so young!" My Brazlian Angel answered.

"I know. I'm still wet behind the ears!" I mockingly declared, irritated at being declared to be so young. My Brazilian Angel is not yet anywhere near forty and I loathe being patronized and belittled for my lack of years.

My Mentor picked up on my irritation but my Brazilian Angel did not.

"You are very strong and very smart. You work very hard. I could not do what you do." My Mentor told me.

"Yes, but we both worked very hard at her age. She's very young. The very young should very work hard." My Brazilian Angel tapped into the one aspect of our relationship I don't like; the condescension she feels she needs to exhibit when women she wants to impress are around.
Ignoring my Brazilian Angel, I spoke, "Yes, I work very hard but I don't have a husband or a family. I only have me so only have to spend energy towards work and my life."

My Mentor stopped to reflect and then she said, "Yes, at your age I had two children" because I needed to be stabbed in the heart. I would give anything but my integrity to have that and it has been my integrity that has cost me just that.

I desperately want my partner and children. I've really never wanted anything more but my life is constructed as such that in no near future will I have those things. The value of my life isn't notably high in my opinion but there's nothing I can do to change my lack of a partner or children. I don't have the financial resources to properly raise a child on my own and I don't have a partner with whom I could make a family.

In my attempts to open myself and put myself out there to find my partner and my family, I found that I'm simply growing hard and cynical and warping into something unrecognizable. In my earnest attempts to take chances and risks to find what I want, I find that I'm losing interest in the reality of it. Despite my girlfriends attempts to make me feel like I have all the time in the world, I, in fact, feel more old and more alone than I have ever before. I'm not as resilient as I used to be and I'm my naive hope of wondrous things has hardened into a mere hope for survival.

I feel like the passion has bled from me, the fire gone out and mere indifference has settled around my heart. I feel like this is the place where I inject hope and a concious prayer that perhaps something from the universe will swoop in and turn me around but, to be totally honest, I feel like it's hope that has gotten me here. I don't want anything to pull me out of this. I don't want to be rescued anymore. I feel like I'm surrounded by farce and that the hope offered here to women is mere a ploy to get me in a position for a larger letdown.

So, categorically speaking, I give up.

Universe, don't help me. Don't save me. Don't make me hope.

Just leave me alone and let me wither in peace.