Friday, June 06, 2008

TAPEWORM

I have plunged headlong back into the haze of heartache. I don’t fully understand why I am here and I probably never will. All that is left to do is wait it out and get to a place where I can move on.

Simon and I grew insanely close over the past couple of months. It was lovely and perfect in a very real sense; we functioned as a process and not as some picture-perfect, static destination. However, he’s officially been blowing me off for two weeks now and I figure, it’s time to put my feelings to bed. I have my suspicions as to why but ultimately I don’t actually know.

And what upsets me the most is not the loss of Simon (which sucks, believe me) but the growing cynicism inside me. I’m just growing tired of the Russian Doll effect of my dating life. I would like to be DEVASTATED, DESTROYED, RAZED by the thought of never having him in my life again but I’m not. At the core of it all, I’m just highly irritated. “Oh right, this. Again.” The death of my passion is unsettling. That he feeds into the death of my passion should enrage me but it doesn’t. “Of course he feeds into it. He’s just like all the rest you’ve ever chosen.” Granted, I don’t long for the days of gut-wrenching sobbing and stones lost because I can’t eat but I do wish I wasn’t stronger than the sum of us.

I would like to finally be building towards something and not just in a relationship that will only amount to “lessons learned.” Frankly, I resent being as invested as I am in my relationships only to have the other bow out either with cowardice or without explanation. I hate being the girl that gets fucked over. And I know there are all these games and rules you’re supposed to follow about getting “your man” but the fact of the matter is I am who I am. The games and drama don’t really work for me. If I’m angry, I act angry. If I’m happy, I act happy. I’m brutally honest about how I feel because, well, life’s complicated enough without having to sort out what the real emotions are.

But, that would appear to be counterproductive.

So, here I am. Yet again. Irritated with the Russian Doll version of my love life.

Ultimately, what unnerves me the most is I’m less and less fazed by such disappointment because I’m starting to believe I don’t actually deserve the happiness that precedes the collapse. It makes sense to me that things would fall apart because I’m not supposed to find companionship. I hate that idea but it’s starting to seep into my foundation. It’s nothing I’ve consciously taken on but over the years, it has silently curled into my gut and like the unshakable tapeworm, it doesn’t look like it’s about to leave any time soon.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Holzy, every time I read your blog, it makes me want to cry. How is it that you know how to write what I feel? Un-fucking-canny.

----- said...

I completely know what you're going through as I've been there a couple of times before. After the initial confusion, I just took it as a sign that I had nothing more to offer in that relationship. It's devastating when you think you'd have wanted to spend the rest of your life with that person, or at least just a bit more but for me it was a sort of wake-up call that I was supposed to do something else, something for my own and exclusive benefit for a change.

I hope you pull through and smile again, really, really wide! :D