BLOODY HELL

Enough already! I want off this fucking ride!

I've started Chinese class and there are two lovely boys in our class. Actually, there are several boys but there are two I find notably lovely. One is Korean and one is half-Chinese, half-German. I had been doing my best to ignore them but they're both really lovely in their own way and I'm only so human.

I sat next to the Eurasian for the first class and behind the Korean for the next. The Eurasian is shy but interested in talking to me. When he works up the nerve to look me in the eye, he smiles shyly and warmly. When he had to introduce himself to the class, he turned and spoke to me and no one else. He is beautiful and shy and he looks to me for camaraderie. It's a strange predicament, as I made the conscious effort to make no overtures to him. It's becoming distracting and I loathe the perking up the hormones. However, I'm not particularly concerned as he seems to lack the nerve to ever really approach me.

The Korean lad is a bit more of an issue. He's highly flirtatious, very outgoing and very interested in making friends. He's not interested in me romantically as he's clearly hooking up with one of the Italian girls in our class but, dear god, he's really attractive inside and out. We clicked and our senses of humor align frighteningly well. As he's spent some serious time in the past living in Australia, his English is excellent and he's wonderfully funny. He makes me laugh and he laughs when I give him a hard time. But, the worst thing is that he does that thing of looking me in the eye when he speaks to me and then loses his train of thought. He forgets which language he's in (when not in class we all speak English as it's the only common language we all have a decent handle on). Z used to do that and I loved that. I'm a sucker for a boy struck dumb around me. Also, Korea's the spokesman for our class (if we're all lost, he speaks up as his Mandarin is the best) he always turns to me to confer. A man asking for feedback and consent is also unspeakably appealing.

However, it's distracting and it's infuriating because it's a dead end. If he would just leave me be, I could ignore him and fantasize about violating his lovely body. Howeer, he puts in serious effort to be friendly with me (as well as several others in the class) so I can't ignore what a lovely person he is. I don't want to have to like him. I just want to lust after him and forget about him the moment he leaves the room.

I'm so fucking tired of being jerked around. I wish he'd just go away. I can't and won't have him, ever, and I'm just so tired of that eternal fucking hope poking its head out just long enough to get caught by the speeding bullet.