MORE MUSINGS

So, I’ve been doing more thinking about the differences between China and the US.

1. Jingle Bells. My retail friends will love this; Jingle Bells is played regularly here. At first, I thought it was for the ice cream man (because boy, they do love their popsicles in Xi’An) but actually it’s for the garbage trucks. Jingle Bells signals “Bring out your trash!”

2. “Nigga.” Okay, so that sound would get me shot in America. In China, it helps me teach. “Nigga” means “That” as in “That item over there.

3. “Jigga” I have no idea what that means in English but I’m sure it’s slang for something. In Chinese, it means “This” as in “This item right here.”

4. Languages. So, I just had a birthday party at a neighbor’s house. I spoke in English with everyone for breadth of conversation. I spoke in mangled Chinese for efficiency. I spoke in French with my one Western friend for privacy.

5. Basketball. The athletic guys in my compound all love to play basketball. My students love to bring me along to play basketball with them. I am the only woman on the court and no one (any longer) treats me like a “girl” on the court. I have completely and utterly proved myself in that I kick their ass (and they’re actually pretty good) and can (, will and have) body check anyone hard enough to knock them over if they get in my way. Play hard or die trying, I say. None of this is out of the ordinary. In fact, it’s identical to every court I’ve ever played at regularly my whole life. The weird bit is that the court is uneven, made up of faux grass that gets slippery with the evening dew (we can only play at night when everyone’s free) and you have to buy a basketball “card” for the exclusive right to play on said shyte court. They even have a security guard dude who walks around, randomly spot-checking cards.

6. New York. Everyone knows New York. Everyone thinks New York is a beautiful city. Everyone waxes poetic about New York with great specificity. I am becoming known around the compound as the “New Yorker.” The caveat is, they don’t usually know what country New York is in.

7. Gwar. There’s this band Gwar that my friend Justin listened to in college (he may still, haven’t thought to ask). They’re known for their onstage “antics” (their shtick is something about being aliens and then lots of “vomiting,” “bleeding” and other, um, “explosive” bodily functions during the show; the good seats in the house leave your clothes stained). Now, whenever I hear anything resembling the sound “gwar” I get the giggles at the thought of an alien version of Kiss on ‘roids. My problem is that “American” in Chinese sounds like “May Gwar An.” Yeah. Every time someone feels the need to know my origins beyond “New York,” I get the church giggles. I’m not sure if they think I’m crazy or really friendly but there you go.

8. Bed linens. So, you can buy bed linens here. They’re expensive, they’re luxurious and they’ve got no flat sheet. Huh? So, you get two pillowcases, a duvet cover and a mattress sheet but no flat sheet. I checked every single friggin’ store in a 10 mile radius. No flat sheets.

9. Tampons. This is a tampon-free country. Even the European stores don’t carry tampons. All they’ve got are teeny, tiny panty liners. What? And on an unrelated note, I want to thank my beloveds back home for the care packages now and in the future.

10. One kid. The Chinese are only allowed one kid per set of parents. Why did I think it was two? Your cousins and close neighbors are now what you call your “brother” or “sister.”

11. Envy. Even among my (few) Western friends, I am openly envied. From my skin color to the fact that I live alone; everyone sees all this hope and potential in me. It’s very strange. I don’t know when I signed up to be in Sondheim’s latest musical but here I am nonetheless. And to think, I always felt more suited to Desiree Armfeldt in “A Little Night Music,” not Robert from “Company.” (And yes, I truly am a gay man trapped in a woman’s body.)

12. My Gays. Speaking of Sondheim, I miss my gays. I miss everything about them. Everyone here is so… straight. I miss harmless differences. I miss the outsider humor. I miss people who grew up just outside societal boundaries and are therefore exceptionally conscious of the things that are taken as “given” (and therefore taken for granted) by most of the rest of the world.

13. Flirting. I miss flirting. I miss the “Will I… Won’t I” dance. They’ve got (behind closed doors) sensuality down pat but there’s no flirting. Okay, that’s not totally fair. The boys like being flirted with but they don’t flirt back. They don’t quite have the ownership of their own sexuality to counter my flirtation.

14. Napping. I love napping. This is a country of napping. They call it “having a rest.” It’s fabulous. You get a two-hour lunch in which lunch takes 15 minutes and the rest of the time is for napping. Who the hell do I speak to about getting it instated in the US?