THAT NEW BOX SMELL

It will come as a surprise to precisely no one that I am hard up. I’m in the land of perennial children with nary an available adult in sight. Which is fine, sort of. I bitch and moan about it every chance I get, I force myself to believe that someday I might actually be able to couple with someone long-term, believe (with waning ferocity) that I might actually one day make up for the lost lovin’ time and I do my best to ignore my incredibly oversexed (with multiple, extramarital partners, no less) colleagues and get on with my day. Chinese, foreign, American makes no difference; when I’m surrounded by women exasperated with having to have sex with their (multiple) sugar daddies (read: not their husband) every time they are given something, it makes me want scream. Sex is great. Sugar daddies are great. If they’re not fabulous across the board, you’re doing something wrong!

So, not listening in on those bitchfests are generally in my sanity’s best interest.

However, today the two married women in my office were busy waxing poetic about the greatness of being married (they are both married for less than a few months, so they are both clearly aware of the depth and breadth of all that lifetime commitment has to bring) and when people get on their high horse, it’s impossible to get them down (as is often witnessed by bystanders in my everyday life).

Granted, the irony to me is that while they love being married, they actually loathe the “marital relations” piece. To be honest, it’s more or less what most of my married foreign friends say, only they’ve been married for several years. Which brings me to wonder; why is everyone having all this sex if it’s so bad? And, better yet, why am I having none and I like it so much?

There they were, talking about how it’s great to not only have no one to tell them what to do at home but they can also boss their husbands around. From the sound of it, their husbands are just whipped and incapable of doing anything at home short of what my girls command.
They love this. They want nothing more than a man who says nothing at home and does everything in public. Personally, I’d kill him in under ten minutes of marriage, but whatever. It’s their fantasy come true. The only drawback they say is that you have to have sex with him regularly if you want to keep him doing things for you.

Huh?

At this point, you can be assured that the computer chip in my brain seized and promptly fried. There was a small puff of smoke released from my eyelids and my hearing went dead.
I can only imagine the man I will end up married to and, well, I’m pretty sure I’ll never actually say the words “must have sex” within the context of an outside power forcing me to have sex with the man good enough to partner with for life during the first few moments of our solidified time together. I’m quite certain I will utter the phrase “must have sex” directly proceeded by the phrase “or will go insane and kill people.”

And while the women are discussing the horrors of marital relations, I started thinking about all the small children I know. They rarely like what they get in a box but they love the box itself. They love the packaging the product comes in but don’t really care either way about the product. It’s like someone gave all these women brand new macBooks but all they care about is the cardboard around the blessed thing.

Such a waste.