BABY JESSICA

So, I took some time out to mull over Z and made the decision to go see him one on one. I had talked with some of my girls back home and was reminded of myself and them in real time, which always does me good. When things fall apart abroad, to have voices from home reach you outside your own head, some how steadies things unlike anything else in the world.

Essentially, I was having a hard time reconciling all the things that had gone on with what was going on now to say nothing of the fact that he utterly vanished when I was sick. His hot/cold act had my head totally spinning. And, like the glutton for punishment that I am, I sought something more concrete than passing, public moments.

And I got my intimate, private moment.

And I am now simply confused.

I tracked him down at his gym and tried to talk to him. He didn’t understand when I asked if he was mad at me, so I asked if he was still my good friend.

"Please believe that I am your friend." He said.

"Okay." I said, not really sure.

He invited me up to hang out in the gym while the yoga class finished and sat on a couch together. He paid me very little mind and I just grew more and more confused.

I was clear that I was sitting there with my boy’s body but I have no idea where his mind went. I don’t understand what vanished but whatever it is- either figment of my imagination or real trait formerly adored- it’s not there anymore. He barely glanced at me and instead was enraptured by all the cute groupies bending themselves into the most suggestive of positions.

And I found myself in the twilight zone. Everything was just as it had always been. The gym was there, my boy was there, his boys were there, the students were there the teachers were there, the reception was there, everyone was as staggeringly welcoming as before, the lockers and the bathroom were all still where I had last left them but I didn’t understand a damned thing going on there. I found myself thinking, "Of course he’s watching the beautiful Barbies giggle as they bend themselves into the perfect Down Dog. Why would he notice you?"

For the first time in a long time, I was in a truly foreign place with someone I didn’t understand with whom I have no common language. I’ve never had such emotional vertigo in my life. So, when the yoga class was over, I got up and left.

I did my best to be friendly and light but the last thing I wanted was to be humored. So, the last thing I wanted was to be there with him right then.

I think I’m just going to chalk it up to a figment of my imagination. I’m a lonely girl who was desperate for affection and so I projected way too much onto this one boy eager to be helpful.

I was mistaken.