SWAN DIVE

So that hurt.

Something happened and now Z’s not interested. He ran super hot and now he’s super cold. I don’t know what happened between "I want to take you to my home" and dead silence during my week of illness but whatever it was, it killed any interest he had in me. Once again I feel like a fool and once again I feel myself saturated in all that I loathe; bitterness. I want to lash out and sleep with people to spite him. I want to drink and make a fool of myself. I want an explanation. But most of all, I want that explanation to be, "I’m sorry, I’m a fool. I’m still interested. Please forgive my rash action."

I guess this week’s lesson is to learn that I’ve become strong enough in China to get kicked in the gut while I’m down, feel like the world’s largest fool and still manage to be a functional human being.

And now I have to go find more tissues as I’ve literally blown through the 400 I had in my house.

I wanted to see all my friends before but I didn’t want to have to leave China to do it.

Now I’m glad I’m leaving China. I don’t know that I want to come back. It’s amazing what a difference one man can make.