Q AND A

So, my good friend wrote me a list of questions pertaining to my time here in Xi’An. I like the questions as they’re a good review of all the stuff I’ve been through and a reminder of the things I’ve learned that I now take for granted. Here’s the "transcript".

What is it like for a hater of conformity to find herself in a land that, at least in my mind, is strongly conformist and hidebound in tradition?

The hater of conformity in me loves being here. They are conformist on the "surface" (read: the defensive face they present to the foreign/unknown is all the same) however, as their society is so unbelievably homogeneous, they are actually a lot freer than Americans to explore their own person. They all fully understand the rules of propriety, commonly accepted manners and common history which leaves them free to explore their own personal likes and dislikes. In fact, most Chinese people are (initially) put off by the liberal approach to being flexible and amenable as it presents no real picture of the individual they're dealing with. They are (initially) drawn to the people we think of as narcissistic assholes because those people have no problem articulating exactly who they are with great specificity. America's society is about exploration of the individual so our manners run towards being flexible about our individuality ("Oh, I don't know, I like noodles and rice. Whatever you want.") while China's society is about homogeneous unity so their manners run towards being staunchly individual ("I want noodles. I refuse to eat rice tonight. Period. End of story.").

Privately, they tell their bosses off, lovers fight and children rebel in order to get it all out in the open within their community. However, once ceremony dictates unity, all differences are laid aside and the people come together. As the ultimate American ideal is not to offend the individual, the Chinese ideal is not to deceive the individual. Truly, honestly, I've never met a group of more earnest and open people. Yes, as always, there are the assholes but by and large, not nearly as many as in the same social circles in America. However, when you couple their ceremonial and defensive focus on unity with their belief that time is a birthright (they believe that they should take time to seriously consider anything you say), not a luxury (as we see it; answer first and revise later), you get the overwhelming image that it is a whole country of conformists. Essentially, the main issue, methinks, is that Americans are easy to know but hard to love. The Chinese are hard to know but easy to love. And, unlike Japan, they are a country large enough to cut us out if we're bastards. Japan isn’t big or self-sufficient enough to tell the US to go fuck itself, consequently, China has retained a much more distinctly Asian feel.


Are there many other non Asian foreigners there? Is there a community ofAmericans, or Europeans, etc. where you might find some camaraderie?

There is, in fact, a very large expat community here. I'm in touch peripherally with most of those communities. However, as I'm over the culture shock, I find very little relief within the European ghetto. Most of the businessmen here are white trash (of varying countries) with a good exchange rate. They live in these gated communities and treat the "natives" like objects. The most intimate interaction any of my business counterparts has with "Maid," "Driver," "Dirty Businessman," or "Dragon Businesswoman" is when "Maid" washes their underwear. My fellow teachers are all primarily middle aged men looking to pilfer as much "untouched" Asian poontang as possible. I've only heard of one other female foreign teacher in Xi’An and the greater metropolitan area and she's in her 70's. The foreign students (Xi'An is the place to study Mandarin) here are all primarily students complete with the social angst/desperate need for the next kegger or utter cultural imperialism in anticipation of bleeding the locals dry once they become financial whizes. I don't have compatriots in the people who look like me.

I have compatriots in my colleagues. I have solace in the boy who is so taken with me, he broke his vow (people's word here is, in real time, stronger than the law) not to date, has already told me he wants to take me home to meet his mother and is willing to brave the unknown, laying aside all his culture's understanding of everything, simply to be around me and make me happy. When I need the things he doesn't understand (and consequently fears), he simply asks if it will make me happy. If it will, he will stop at nothing to get it for me, despite my archetypes reputation for being fickle and too easily swayed from lover to lover. I have solace in the women who protect me in so many ways and on such a frequent basis that I'm aware of the glaring fact that I will never know all the ways in which they've snatched me from the jaws of a serious problem.


You must draw a lot of attention there, being, I assume, so much taller than most if not all the people around you. Plus, being Caucasian, well educated, outspoken compared to the average person... do you ever feel uncomfortable being a Tall White American Woman? My guess it that even in a large city, most of the populace has had no real contact with non Chinese people.

I used to be uncomfortable being the Tall White American but I've since become "Sister Teacher" in my community. As I do attract staggering amounts of attention, the compound I live in (several thousand people and several city blocks) is fully aware of who I am and all the women call me "Meimei laoshi" which means "Younger Sister Teacher" and also a play on the word "beautiful" (meimei means "younger sister" but mei inflected slightly differently means "beautiful" and when you double up on a single word you make it the most extreme quantity of that word possible [ie. "ren" means "person/people" but "renren" means "everyone," "tian" means "day" while "tiantian" means "everyday" and so on and so forth]... they inflect "mei" like beautiful, not sister). Frankly, I'm one of 5 non-Asians within a several mile radius, one of two women and I'm the only SWF.

When I first arrived, every time I would leave my apartment, men would literally stop in their tracks. One dude almost got hit by a car watching me pass. All the eateries around here give me a discount for eating there. All the shopkeepers give me little gifts with every purchase. All the children test their English out on me. All the guards (military guards protect my wealthy compound) keep an extra eye on me. (Case in point: any time strange men enter my building with me, a guard will escort me to my door and make sure I am safely able to lock the door behind me) The cost of all this star-like treatment is the star-like treatment; I am frequently asked by strangers (to me; they know who I am) for a picture with their children. They ask me to help them with their English and everyone knows that Z and I are seeing each other, despite the fact that he tells everyone I'm his "English Teacher."


Tell me more about the social protocols there. You mentioned some in your blog relative to dating, and I do want to know more about that, but also more generally about daily interaction with strangers, coworkers, bosses, shopkeepers etc.

"Stranger" is a relative term. As I am a rare and incredibly valuable commodity, anyone who is in anyway attached to the school feels that we are "familiar" regardless of whether or not I know them. As said commodity, I must (well, not "must" but I would be an ungrateful and irretrievable brat if I didn't) maintain a happy face and take the time to humor all the people involved. To be fair, no one approaches me blind. They all say "I know so-and-so." That it is known that I am seeing a Chinese man, I am considered even more of the family. I am not just benevolent "other," I am the movie star from their hometown that knows them. At times, the questions get a little intrusive but it's not so much about "getting the dirt" but fully understanding me. To them, I look so vastly different than anything they've ever seen before (that was not on the silver screen or on their tv) that they truly lack the social filter. It's not about their lack of manners but about their ignorance about their own ignorance. And, if my good friend introduces me to their good friend, we are good friends, regardless. It is expected that I am to be allowed to make demands on them for logistical matters and they are allowed to make "information" demands on me for curiosity matters. (I'm allowed to not answer any question I want, of course, but once a good friend introduces a good friend, the questions are allowed to be asked.)

"Coworker" is more a gender thing. The sisterhood is alive and well here. My female coworkers all know all my business and their job is to keep me safe. They advise me on the way things are done in China and we compare and contrast with the way things are done in my home and then we negotiate the happiest medium. If anything were to happen to me because I made a bad judgment call, it is not going to be considered my fault but theirs. My male coworkers are not really allowed to approach me without a formal introduction ("formal introduction" being, first they spend time getting on the very, very good side of my female friends/coworkers, then spend time with my friend and I and then after a few we're-in-the-same-place-at-the-same-time chances for me to observe his behavior is he allowed to ask my girl friend for an introduction). The only caveat to that is holidays when pictures are being taken and then they still must have another female coworker ask if I would be willing to take a picture with them. My boss is quite literally considered my older brother. Any formal decisions to be made can only be presented to me through him and then, once I've decided yay or nay, he must deliver the news. As the first Western woman to work in this school system (it's a privatized one), I am considered more important than the men who run the entire school system. (Contrary to the "misogynist" notions so prevalent in the West, women are more highly regarded than men in China. Women are believed to be the balm, the even keel and the true voice of any family/workplace. As you can’t completely obliterate one gender for the other, men must be given public respect, because it is the women who carry the true weight. The only people shucking off their daughters are poor farmers who can't afford to lavish their daughters and instead need a workhorse of a son. In fact, within China, the families that give up their daughters for adoption are considered the lowest of the low. Every Chinese person I've met is ferociously ashamed and beyond disgusted that anyone would give up a daughter.) At all meetings, I am given the second most important seat, regardless of the attendees and my presence is applauded. Publicly, my word is gospel and not questioned. Policy is set according to my unchallenged opinion. It's all a bit overwhelming at times which is (one of many reasons) why Z is so important to me. (His single job as my boy is to keep me truly happy. If I'm down, I can talk about it, he helps me and then he does his best to either comfort me or make me laugh. It's a lot like the idealized fantasy of a lesbian lover.)

"Bosses" are actually more afraid of me than I am of them. Like I said, it's openly accepted that I'm on par with the most important of leaders within our community. Not to mention, the kids love me and I love the kids. The English test scores, while not as high as everyone wants, are higher than they've ever been. If I leave, that they'll end up with yet another middle aged man looking to damage the reputation of the female teachers is almost a given.

"Shopkeepers" who know me are incredibly giving, as previously explained. Shopkeepers who don't know me are curious but stand-offish at first. However, once I speak Chinese to them, they're incredibly accommodating. Shopkeepers who don't know me but see me walking arm in arm with a Chinese girl friend or closely with Z are as welcoming as the shopkeepers who know me. In fact, I get better prices than my Chinese friends.


How's the water?

The water here sucks ass. Xi'An is a desert city so the city's water supply comes from an underground spring. In other words, it reeks of sulfur. At first I thought it was the air pollution but it was later explained to me that it comes from waaaaaay down below. Can't drink it but I'm kept in bottled water by the school. I've got a water "cooler" type thing, only it's a water heater, not cooler; no "cold" only hot and room temp.


What sort of creature comforts do you have?

I have access to anything I could possibly want. I make a very good living and could afford to eat at the pricey French restaurants every night. I could move into four star hotels every weekend. I can shop in the European ghetto that ships everything straight in from Europe every day. I did that for a little bit while I was drowning in culture shock. However, I'm a privileged, white New York girl; no one knows how to embrace "ethnic" like my kind. I've since let go of most of my creature comforts. The only part of my diet that doesn't really exist in China is the high-end Swiss chocolate (they LOVE them some chocolate here but most people don't indulge in Swiss chocolate). I've switched my coffee for tea as the tea here can kick some coffee ass. Besides, how much more "creature comfort" does it get than "Chinese food" for a New York girl?

I made the mistake of venturing into McDonald's a while back and after half a small meal (think half a happy meal size). I thought I was going to explode from the fries alone. Dear god that shit will kill you fast. And, I will not even speak of the sin that is KFC. Don't eat it at home. Won't eat it here. Though, I do hear King’s Coffee (the coffee house attached to all KFC’s here) is pretty good.

And, speaking of my fat ass, my boy owns a gym so I can work out and take classes anytime I want. In he and his coworkers, I've got five personal trainers all of whom want to train me not only because I'm dating the owner but because I can teach them English. As I'm a jock, I know all the English terms they're looking to learn as the gym is going global in a few years and English is the universal language of the upwardly mobile. So, Saturday nights I get my Yoga class and Thursdays I get my Pilates class. Between classes, my fellow worker-outers teach me Tai Chi and my boy's best friend teaches me Tae Kwon Do.

The only things I really miss is a Mac compatible world (Mac is made in the US, so it's completely priced out of China's buying power), the usage of the word "right" instead of "yes" and men touching me. Here, men and women touching is seen as disrespectful if they're not dating and while I get that, rationally speaking, it's probably best for society that sexual rules are strongly prescribed, it doesn't change the fact that I grew up with brothers, gays and guy friends who spoiled me with platonic physicality.

Yeah, and bagels. I miss them too. My world would be perfect if I could just get a lifetime supply of H&H bagels.