HUH

It was another Monday morning (3/19) yesterday and another visit from Z. And, I’m further confused by his presence. He spent most of lunch speaking with Yente (perhaps he’s ultimately interested in her?) with the brief exception to speak to me in order to point out his fellow female colleagues who would like to learn English with me. He’s clearly trying to ingratiate me into his circle of friends at work but I don’t get why. His two female colleagues have been consistently cheering him on with me and one of them even attempted to speak English with me.

His rapid-fire conversation with Yente was primarily about me. Before, I was unable to understand Z’s Sichuan accent but it’s becoming clear to me.

“Ta zhe do.” [“She knows”] Z said to Yente.

“Zhe do sha?” [“What do I know?”] I asked. It was clear Z was advising her to take a up a sport I know but I didn’t know which one specifically as Z knows all the sports I know consequently narrowing the field down to about one hundred.

“Yoga” Z said without missing a beat while Yente turned to me, flabbergasted.

“You understand?” She said, her jaw to the floor.

“Yi dianr” [“A tiny bit”] I explained as Z nodded and then he launched back into his Mandarin conversation. And what struck me was what has always struck me about Z; his complete comfort with me as an entity. He’s entertained, he’s amused but he accepts and ultimately doesn’t question why, “A girl/woman like [me] could/would/should do that.” He’s fully aware of my strange, incongruous and unfeminine nature and it, ultimately, doesn’t stall him out. He’s neither impressed nor intimidated by who I am. It’s an incredibly rare trait, anywhere in the world and I’ve missed having it around.

And, another incredibly rare trait is that he came back. I’ve actually never had a man come back without my “consent” (read: without my begging). It’s always been that the moment I decide it’s over, it’s over. I decided it was over. I made an ass of myself and he ceased to exist in my realm. Greater than any screaming or yelling or hateful words, I simply refused to acknowledge his presence. We would pass each other in the hall and I would simply look the other way or find a student to distract me. I have always functioned like that and it has always been incredibly effective. No one has ever had the balls to challenge the silence of my rejection.
So I talked to my Chinese Angel about it at dinner last night. She asked what I wanted and what I thought about it all. I explained I didn’t know because I don’t understand what he wants. I’ve never been in a position where someone has come back after my rejection so I have no idea what he wants, much less what I’m supposed to think about it all.

She then pressed the issue that perhaps he wants me back.

“I really needed him when I got sick and not only did I find out at my lowest that I couldn’t trust him but that someone who meant so much to me didn’t care about me. I can be as alone as I am here. That’s okay. What I can’t be is that alone but thinking I’m not only to have it revealed in my weakest moment it was all an illusion. Without trust, there is no love.”

She nodded. “Maybe he realized he made a mistake.”

I suppressed the reflexive urge to say, “Fuck you” because that’s the one answer that leaves me all vulnerable and further confused. The easy answer is just to write him off as an asshole but the easy answer also grants humanity to no one but me. I’m certainly a hypocrite, of that there can be no doubt, but I don’t know that I can stomach being a hypocrite for something as cheap as my own ego. Perhaps we can be friends provided a little clarification is made.