LOSING MY FUCKING MIND

It is now March 4th and I arrived back in China on February 18th. I have not had a single night’s sleep nor a decent nap since I arrived back. I’m going to lose my fucking mind.

All day it’s firecrackers set off in the street all day, every day. When I emerge from my compound by the front gate at late morning for my daily fruit run, the piles of firecracker debris is waist high. All night it’s fireworks exploding in the sky outside my window, all night every night. I lie in bed, unable to do anything as the constant explosions outside my window light up my room like a fucking strobe light and rattle my bed like an earthquake. I can’t get away from the noise or the random explosions of light to say nothing of the car alarms the bombings are setting off. This imposed insomnia has turned my world hazy and infuriating. I’m infinitely irritated by the slightest things and I crave silence.

I can’t think. I can’t write. I can’t focus and I’m entirely too emotional for my own good. And then there’s the fact that my grandmother has fallen, broken her hip and now my father has been forced back into my everyday life as I get updates from his sister about his interactions with their mother. To top it off, one of my least favorite students (the one who likes to tell me daily that I’m fat and a calls me elephant) has made friends with the students who hang out at the playground outside my building and now whenever I pass, they like to giggle, point at my ass and try to play the game of who can smack the fat ass first. Not to mention, Z does everything in his power to flee the moment he sees me. He’s ducked into classrooms he didn’t need to be in to avoid me, as well as skip lunch so he doesn’t have to be in the same room as me. My Brazilian Angel is still abroad for the holidays, my Chinese Angel is upset about something and not interested in talking to anyone, my hand washed laundry won’t dry and though I’ve spent most of my day cleaning, I’ve still got a pile of dishes to wash in the sink. I’ve got no one to talk to, no one to relate to and no peace.

Sometimes it just feels like the world is against you. This would be one of those times.