BLAH

So, I had an affair (by "affair" I mean romantic relationship with someone single, not married or even partnered up in any way) with someone and despite the lovely pillow talk, the light of day has withered and dried any promises and, in short, I have been discarded like rancid garbage. In the grand scheme of things, that's fine. Frankly, either he knew what he was leaving and, well, there's no point in flailing about screaming "you'll live to regret this" or he didn't know what he was leaving, in which case, well, there's no point in flailing about and screaming "you'll live to regret this." And, either way, I don't want to spend my time consumed with someone who would find it so easy to leave me.

Drama is always remarkably unsatisfying to me, in real life.

Nevertheless, I've been unceremoniously ditched and now I have to deal with the "mutual friends" issue. On principle, I refuse to speak to any of our mutual friends about what happened as he asked (while I was still in a giving mood) that I promise never to speak of what happened to anyone because (for extraneous reasons) he would have gotten in a lot of trouble for the timing of our affair. (Let's just say days of attonement are not usually best spent in the licivious arms of me if you want god to think you're truly repentant.) At the time, I gave my word because I would do anything to protect the people I care about. Now, I keep my word because my word is not worth sullying over someone who can discard me so easily.

However, our mutual friends adore him as a wonderful and fantastic boy. They cannot praise him highly enough. They insist upon knowing what has happened between us (as everyone knew we had a flirtation) and upon my supressing the urge to shriek at the top of my lungs "He used me and then threw me away" and toss dishes acros the room, found myself capable of smiling pleasantly and saying, "I think I'm just not for him."

What took the wind from me and has left me in a bit of a funk was the constant dismissal I have received as every woman who praises him so highly shrugs dismissively at my modest explanation responding with something like, "It's true, I think he likes girls who are, ah, DIFFERENT from you," in the most patronizing tone ever. Frankly, it feels like I'm the one they feel falls short; as if I were dating out of my league and they're not in the least bit surprised that he wouldn't want to be with me.

Never before has being an independent, strong, single woman felt like such a pity case. All these women are married and it's clear that their opinion of me is that I'm just not appropriate "wife" material. Being so effortlessly discarded is rough; finding out people you were close with aren't surprised as said disposal just stalls a girl out.

Thank god for my Brazilian Angel. She is the one confidant here who knows all about what happened and she has been kind enough to not say anything. As it was becoming clear that I had been disposed of and I told her how sad I was, she said to me, "Chris, don't think like that. He's the one who has to spend the rest of his life without you. He had you and walked away? Feel bad for him." And then, after the first such rough meeting with mutual friends and their declarations of how he likes "different" girls and resulted in me crouched into a ball, weeping openly in an elevator, she said, "I'm sorry, everyone says he's so wonderful but I hate him. He's a wonderful jerk. Fuck him. It makes me sick the way they talk about how wonderful he is. I've never met him but I hate him."

I'm still floored and breathless at having been treated like garbage once again but thank god for my girls.