JEALOUSY

Jealousy comes in all forms and I am suffering from one but not the one everyone expects of me.

Everyone I am surrounded by is stuck in a (relatively) miserable relationship. No joke. And this is not sour grapes. In all honesty, I love to see healthy, happy, contented, long-lasting relationships because they give me hope and strength for the long haul of the brutality that is being "pushing 30 and still single" for a woman. However, I can name all those relationships that I know of on my left hand.

Out of the blue, my Italian friend has ditched me. I had no idea why and he had bailed on me for numerous plans for coffee. Now, I wasn't hurt by his discarding of me so much as irritated. Any man who spends the vast majority of our time together asking me to agree just how beautiful and perfect his rather boring, tedious, self-centered and obnoxious ex-girlfriend is certainly is not bound to grab my lust, much less my heart. Nevertheless, it was nice to have some male company and not feel pressured to go anywhere with it. However, as I discovered yesterday when my French friend and his obnoxious wife showed up at my house (I'm dog sitting), it turns out Italy has a new Chinese girlfriend. It also turns out she's less than thrilled with him but she's essentially sleeping her way to the top and he's more or less interested in proving to his ex that he too can fuck someone after their relationship.

It's not that I begrudge them their dysfunction- lord knows we all need some in our lives- but what I do begrudge them is their condescension. My French friend and his obnoxious wife invited me out as a "Thank you" for dog-sitting for the next two weeks and they invited Italy because he's my +1 in such settings. However, they invited him out and only just discovered that he has a new girlfriend. So, when the new couple wasn't making out at dinner (dear god that always makes me uncomfortable; I just don't need to know some things about my friends libidos) Italy was shooting me apologetic looks as if he knew that I loved him and this was breaking my heart.

Which, in turn, made me want to punch him in the face.

Frankly, it's fine. I'm not jealous that he has someone because I want him. I'm jealous that he has someone because I want someone. Desperately. Frankly, the only thing I want more than a lover is not to be with the wrong person. Nevertheless, I'm unclear exactly when I was supposed to have fallen in love as he never listened to me, only talked about his ex and treated me like one of the guys with no regard for either my ego or my femininity. I'm not particularly insulted by any of his behavior as I was merely looking for company but I am infuriated that this would make me the subject of condescension. Whenever he would shoot me one of those groveling looks of "Can we still be friends" I wanted to put my fist through the back of his head. Really, where do men get their egos?

Also, where do men get their taste in women? I don't get it. Men I find to be perfectly reasonable human beings are married to the most obnoxious and inane women simply because they think the women are beautiful. I can understand an affair based solely on the physical but a marriage? What is that?

I don't know. I'm just having a bad day compounded by a dinner that was supposed to be a "thank you" that somehow morphed into a "poor you." So, please forgive the irritation. I'm sure it will wane soon.