IN WHICH I BECOME A WHORE

I’ve been, done and see a lot of things in my almost-thirty years on this planet. The one thing I’ve never been is a whore; in the bad sense of the word. The fact is that while I’ve compromised, been promiscuous and been disingenuous, I’ve never felt like I’ve sold anything essential to my core being.

Now I can check that off my list of “never”s.

For Christmas, the school decides to break my contract and make me work the day. However, the night before they take me out to dinner for what they deem to be appropriate fun. In other words, this means a banquet dinner followed by KTV (Karaoke TeleVision… yeah, I know). Last year we had the banquet but were too far from KTV to go to KTV. This year, however, they chose a restaurant I know well (in fact, my Brazilian Angel and the Jude hosted my birthday dinner there) and it happens to be right next to a KTV.

I find Chinese banquets remarkably unsatisfying as basically all your food is on a Lazy Susan in front of you and you have to pick at your food while you make small talk. Usually, by the time you’ve sampled everything and find something that you like, it’s eaten, cold and certainly not swinging back your way anytime soon. Also, most of the dishes are meat laden as banquets are the time to break the bank but frankly, I don’t like Chinese meats and my stomach has adjusted to a more or less lacto-ovo (eating milk and eggs) vegetarian diet. So, I get very full very fast but you’re supposed to just keep eating and eating. Physically, it’s just unpleasant.

I guess I’d like the set up better if I could understand the conversation but being a guest of honor in a situation where I can’t understand the “praise” being heaped on me is a bit disconcerting as there’s a TON of toasting (read: lots of drinking and very little eating) and I’m supposed to look grateful and appreciative as the each person sitting at the table stands and gives me a long-winded speech.

Which brings me to my whoredom.

Last year, I could get away with being overwhelmed but not this year. I knew I had to toast. So, as the last of the people finished their toast to me (15 people in total; imagine 15 shots of hard liquor on a relatively empty stomach) I knew I had to say something and it had to be good.

I had been sorting out what to say most of the day and some of that evening. I kept circling around the idea of “family” as, for them, it’s the most important thing… to the razing of self. With the help of my former boss I gave my toast to the table.

“I just want to thank you for your generosity and being my family away from my family.”
And, as the toast was translated, I was greatly cheered and applauded. And, it true form, I found cheeks flushing and myself unable to look anyone in the eye.

They would have seen my reaction as my “innate” shyness. I’m by no means a shy woman but they have all decided that’s what I am. My reaction, however, was one of shame.

I realized that I just sold out the most important thing to me; my family. My family is not a conventional one, nor is it all blood, nor is all blood included in it. It is, however, distinctly and very separately mine. It is the one thing, the one place on this planet where I am seen, for better or worse, as what I am. My family is strewn about the globe and they don’t all know each other but I love all of them desperately and would do anything for them.

The more I think about having offered up, as a point of business, something as precious as a position within my family disturbs me and I am, fundamentally bothered by what I did. However, I see no way to right it. I don’t know what to do about it. It is the Chinese way- to blend so permanently business and family to the inability of extraction- and it seemed to be the most appropriate concession to make. Instead, I found myself a million miles from home telling my John on Christmas Eve (to me, one of two days of family) that I did in fact love him and it wasn’t about the money. Being a person who values her passion and earnestness above all other traits it greatly upsets me that I so easily and casually forfeit all that I value for very little discernable reason. Hopefully this “feeling like a whore” thing will fade soon. I’ve certainly learned my lesson.